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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26952019">You and I, we are one and the same, loving in pain</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CandiedYuzu/pseuds/CandiedYuzu'>CandiedYuzu</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ATEEZ (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Blood, Friends With Benefits, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mentions of Death, Unrequited Love, because i love suffering, but no actual death, mingi and yunho both have hanahaki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:22:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,263</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26952019</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CandiedYuzu/pseuds/CandiedYuzu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He’s not exactly sure how he ended up like this. One day he’s rushing away to hide the petals spilling from his lips before anyone else can see, and the next, him and Yunho are sitting side by side, getting drunk on the floor of Mingi’s room, desperately trying to talk about anything but how they’re both desperately in love with Hongjoong, when the man in question only thinks of their oldest hyung.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jeong Yunho/Kim Hongjoong, Jeong Yunho/Song Mingi, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa, Kim Hongjoong/Song Mingi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>68</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>You and I, we are one and the same, loving in pain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first Ateez fic and the first fic I've finished in a long time (since 2018 to be precise)<br/>English is not my first language so please excuse any possible mistakes<br/>Title taken from Joji's song Tick Tock</p><p>Thank you for reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Falling in love with a person that he knew wouldn’t love him back was dumb. Falling in love with a person he knows only has eyes for someone that’s not him was even dumber. Figuring out his best friend is in the exact same spot as him is just kind of ironically funny. </p><p>He’s not exactly sure how he ended up like this. One day he’s rushing away to hide the petals spilling from his lips before anyone else can see, and the next, him and Yunho are sitting side by side, getting drunk on the floor of Mingi’s room, desperately trying to talk about anything but how they’re both desperately in love with Hongjoong, when the man in question only thinks of their oldest hyung. No matter how hard they seem to try, sometimes their thoughts stray, and when one of them gets too in their head about the object of their affections and lets the petals slip from his lips to add to the slowly growing pile of soft colorful petals in the plastic bin that sits on the floor between them, they don’t talk about it.</p><p> </p><p>If you asked him when exactly he fell in love with Hongjoong, he wouldn’t be able to tell you. He just didn’t remember a specific moment of realization. Maybe his feelings were always there, ever since they first met. What he did remember though, was seeing Hongjoong and Seonghwa exchanging a soft peck right in front of him and the following incessant itching somewhere deep in his chest that resulted in him coughing up a singular yellow petal into the palm of his hand.</p><p>When Yunho first saw them, he said they are sunflower petals, talking about how Mingi’s love is pure and loyal. If that’s the case, Mingi wishes he could let go of his loyalty. Sometimes he wishes he could just choke down his feelings until he’s left all hollow inside, leaving Hongjoong meaning nothing to him, leaving him as just a leader of the group he’s in. Thinks that maybe feeling contempt while making eye contact with the other in the recording studio would be more tolerable than the tingling and tightness that starts in his chest and spreads into the rest of his body, slowly making him so choked up that he runs out of breath and has to make excuses to be able to finally rid himself of the petals gathering up in his throat, threatening to spill over with every moment he stays sitting there, staring at the one person he wishes to love. But he knows that’s impossible. That no matter what Hongjoong does, Mingi won’t be able to let go of his feelings. How could he, when just standing near him makes Mingi want to keel over, kneel in front of Hongjoong and give him everything he’s ever wished for. It’s pathetic, really, being a slave to his own feelings, willing to do anything to please their leader just for a smidge of his affection. </p><p> </p><p>They have a little arrangement, Yunho and he. Mingi can’t, for the love of him, remember how it ever started or who came up with it but he decides it doesn’t matter. They have sex. They fuck while pretending the other is Hongjoong. Mingi doesn’t dare to point out the obvious. That there’s no way either of them can pass for their tiny leader, not with the way they’re built, not with the way their low-pitched moans and grunts don’t match Hongjoong’s voice in the slightest. But it sort of works.<br/>
He closes his eyes tightly, forcing himself to think of Hongjoong while grabbing onto Yunho’s body, while the sounds Yunho makes ring in his ears. If he gets too into it though, thinks about Hongjoong too much, the tightness in his chest returns and he has to pause, take in the fact that it indeed is his best friend and not the man that he loves before he can manage to choke up on the petals.</p><p>He knows it’s the same for Yunho. That no matter how much Yunho tries to pretend, the knowledge that it’s Mingi that he’s having sex with is still in the back of his mind. He can feel it in the way Yunho grabs at his hips and thighs, how he holds his shoulders, the form in his hands unlike that of their tiny leader. How it’s Mingi’s name that slips out when he gets a cramp thrusting into him or when Mingi thrusts in too fast and he needs a moment to adjust. They both know this has nothing to do with Hongjoong. That they’re doing this to fill up the empty void in their chest, to feel a warm embrace, hoping that the warmth will take away some of the loneliness inside of them. It doesn’t, but they still keep the charade up. And no matter what, they don’t talk about it.<br/>
Their arrangement doesn’t help. If anything, it makes everything worse, if the way Yunho breaks down mid sex that one time is anything to go by. Tears dripping down onto Mingi’s chest as he awkwardly lays there under him, Yunho still deep inside of him, and he carefully lays his hand onto Yunho’s shoulder to try and comfort him but Yunho brushes it off with a soft hiccup before resuming his thrusting. Mingi is afraid to bring it up in fear of opening a new can of worms. So they don’t talk about it.</p><p>Things go back to normal for some time before all of it starts getting to Mingi. The fact that Hongjoong doesn’t love him, that Hongjoong has a loving partner, Mingi’s own beloved hyung, that he’s instead in bed with someone he doesn’t have feelings for, his best friend, pretending that everything is okay, that he’s embracing the love of his life. The tightness in his chest has worsened as well, the petals came unpredictably, in larger quantities, coming out sticky, covered in pink-ish saliva which Mingi decides to put as far into the back of his mind as he can, not wanting to consider the severity of the situation. It gets harder to focus his mind on pretending, it’s harder for him to breathe and he finds himself softening up in the middle of sex and Yunho is starting to give him pitying looks outside of the privacy of his room and he can feel himself reaching the breaking point.</p><p>---</p><p>Hongjoong is looking at Seonghwa that way again. The way that makes Mingi’s stomach and throat clench and not in the I’m going to cough up petals way (though that scratching in his chest, nowadays almost always present, increases). He wants Hongjoong to look at him like that, to turn around and forget Seonghwa, leave him behind, and just take Mingi into his arms, looking into his eyes with the same unconditional love he sees there now, when Hongjoong is looking at Seonghwa.<br/>
Mingi would do anything to have Hongjoong look at him like that, like he deserves the world. He wants to know what it’s like to have someone truly love him, love him as he is, make him feel like he’s not just someone’s last choice. Hongjoong has always made him feel like he matters and maybe that’s why it hurts more to see that the way Hongjoong looks at Mingi is nothing in comparison to the way he looks at Seonghwa. It makes Mingi feel like Hongjoong never cared about him in the first place. How could he, when the way he looks at Mingi is so flat in comparison to the way his eyes shine as he looks at his true beloved, a loving content smile on his lips.</p><p>Mingi is starting to hate him. He doesn’t want to but he’s so jealous, he can’t help but feel contempt when he looks at their oldest hyung on the receiving end of Hongjoong’s loving gaze, affectionate words, embraces and kisses. He hates that it’s Seonghwa and not him, the hot pit of jealousy deep in his stomach threatening to boil over into hatred.</p><p>As he watches Seonghwa pulling Hongjoong closer to himself, arms wrapped around his tiny waist, pressing kisses along his hairline, Mingi lets himself daydream about Seonghwa leaving. Seonghwa abandoning Hongjoong, leaving Mingi to take care of him, letting Hongjoong see how good Mingi could be for him. And as soon as that thought comes, he feels sick to his stomach, suddenly overcome with a wave of nausea, horrified at what he was thinking. Anxiety swells up within him and suddenly, the room feels suffocating and he’s sure that any second, petals are going to spill everywhere, rendering the weeks he spent trying to hide them useless. </p><p>Gathering up all the strength he has, he gets up and stumbles down the hall towards his own room, ringing ears and blurred vision, he bumps into something, or rather someone, right as he rounds the corner towards their rooms. His breath catches in his throat and then, before he can do anything to even try and stop it, he’s on his hands and knees, heaving as petal after petal forces its way out of his throat, falling onto the floor and the bare feet in front of him. When he finally manages to stop the incessant flow of petals, it’s too late. He attempts to clear his vision from tears by blinking rapidly but still, the only thing he can make out is a yellow and pinkish blur of petals and feet. Then the sobs start. He fucked it all up. All of his effort was for nothing, now everyone will know how pathetic he is, one foot in the grave because he just had to go and fall in love even though he knew any hope for his feelings to be returned was useless. He can’t even get up and so he sits there, waiting for the other person to talk, to berate him. To tell him how stupid he is for even thinking he was worthy of Hongjoong’s love, worthy of anyone’s love.</p><p>“Mingi, hey, calm down.” He feels big hands around his shoulders and all air leaves his lungs as he slumps forward into the awaiting arms, letting Yunho drag him into his room. It was just Yunho. Just Yunho. He was safe. Nobody else saw. Just Yunho.<br/>
When he finally recovers enough to take in his surrounding, his eyes fall to Yunho, standing awkwardly in front of him, hands clasped in front of his own lap, looking around like he doesn’t know what to do. It’s awkward, Mingi doesn’t know what to say, so he just mumbles out a quiet apology.</p><p>“Mingi, I’m-“ Yunho starts but stops, chewing on his bottom lip as he looks around once more. “I’m worried,” he continues after a while, clearly resolved to finish what he started. </p><p>“It’s fine. I’m fine, I just got overwhelmed by seeing… them together,” Mingi mumbles, hugging his knees closer to his chest.</p><p>“Mingi! Mingi, you’re not fine!” Yunho suddenly barks out desperately, gets on his knees in front of Mingi, grasping his face in his hands. “You’re dying!” he gasps out, eyes welling up with tears.</p><p>Mingi looks up at him incredulously “What are you talking about?,” he asks, eyeing the other man with disbelief “You’re exactly the same as me, so don’t give me any of that.”</p><p>“Don’t you understand what this means?” </p><p>Mingi can hear the poorly disguised panic in Yunho’s voice and he almost rolls his eyes at him before Yunho shifts and he finally catches a glimpse of what Yunho’s talking about.<br/>
His feet have dark red imprints of petals on them, one bloodied petal still clinging to the side of Yunho’s ankle and before he can think it through, Mingi reaches out to pluck it off, eyeing it suspiciously before he looks up to meet Yunho’s worried gaze. His heart clenches when he takes in Yunho’s watery eyes and wobbling lower lip. He sighs and gets up from the floor, stopping just in front of the door, one hand on the handle, the other still holding the bloody petal before he crushes it in his fist. </p><p>“It’s my own problem, Yunho, please just forget about it.”</p><p>They don’t talk about it anymore after that.</p><p>---</p><p>Things go back to normal after that, sort of. Mingi does his best to pretend nothing is wrong but it seems to be a bit harder for Yunho. There are times when he looks like he wants to bring it up again, worry apparent on his face, but Mingi is quick to shut all of that down before any attempt is even made.<br/>
Mingi has to admit it’s scary. The petals start coming out looking more orange than yellow, sticking to everything they touch, leaving a smudge of red behind. His chest burns with each heave and Mingi is terrified. He starts hiding out in his room more and more and he’s sure the others are starting to take notice of his strange behavior.</p><p>He and Yunho still have sex but it has become so awkward that he’s not sure if it’s even worth it. Which says a lot, considering that generally, having sex with your best friend while you’re both pretending the other is another friend you’re both in love with is a rather awkward matter by itself. What’s worse is that since that one time, when Mingi couldn’t hold back his cough and sprayed the pillow under him with blood, Yunho keeps going soft in the middle of it. They start out just fine but then suddenly, without any obvious reason, Yunho’s erection just goes away and doesn’t come back. Yunho tells Mingi to just always be on top from now on and so the next time, Mingi does, but when he looks down, any pretense of pretending it’s Hongjoong gone, he sees Yunho unaroused, eyes tightly shut, biting his lip to muffle any possible noises and Mingi goes soft as well. Yunho opens his eyes when Mingi slips out, confusion evident on his face but they both stay silent and don’t talk about it.</p><p>Afterwards, as they sit together in silence, they cuddle up naked under the blanket on the bed, Yunho’s head on Mingi’s shoulder as he rubs circles into the skin above his knee.<br/>
Mingi sighs, leaning back so fast, his head thunks painfully on the wall and Yunho alarmedly pulls both his head and hand away, instead reaching out to gently grasp at Mingi’s head, the blanket falling off their shoulders and pooling around their hips as he twists around the get a better look at Mingi’s face.</p><p>“Be careful, Hongjoong wouldn’t want you to lose the braincells you need for writing your lyrics so young,” he says playfully, big smile on his face, obviously trying his hardest to make him feel better, but Mingi’s mood sours. </p><p>“Hongjoong wouldn’t even notice if I fully forgot how to write.”</p><p>“Don’t say that! He cares about you so much! He loves you, Mingi!”</p><p>“Are you stupid?” Mingi can’t handle it anymore, he scrambles off the bed, tripping slightly over the blanket tangled around his calf, jerking Yunho, who’s sitting on the other corner forward. “Are you so fucking delusional that you think you have a chance with him?” Mingi paces around the room, hastily pulling on his sweatpants so he doesn’t have to say this with his dick hanging out and so that he can leave the room with some remains of dignity, even if the others are not at the dorm right now. “He doesn’t give a fuck, Yunho! Do you think you’d be sitting here, spitting stupid fucking flowers everywhere if he gave a fuck?”</p><p>Yunho gapes at his sudden outburst.</p><p>“Just look at me! I’m coughing up my fucking lungs because I’m an idiot that can’t just accept that he doesn’t mean shit to anyone! I’m going to fucking die because of him!” Mingi’s voice breaks as tears fill his eyes and he stumbles away, leaving stunned Yunho behind.<br/>
---<br/>
Yunho immediately regrets it. He knows Mingi has always been rather sensitive when it came to any sort of rejection but he still prodded when he knew Mingi was obviously affected. He knew Mingi was scared, even if he tried to put on a front but that still didn’t stop him. And now he might lose Mingi forever. </p><p>Mingi closed himself off, only going with them to the necessary dance practices before locking himself in his room, not even bothering to eat together, just taking his own takeaway boxes with him. The other members are starting to become more and more concerned, even though Mingi puts out an excuse after excuse about how he’s tired and how he’s overwhelmed and would prefer to spend time alone, how he’s trying to write new raps and needs to focus. The worst part is that the others, including Hongjoong seem to just eat it right up.<br/>
It makes Yunho just want to go up to him, grab his shoulders and shake him really hard. It’s so stupid, really, because Mingi is dying right in front of their eyes and Yunho is still too afraid to let anything about Mingi’s condition slip. He knows part of it is just his cowardice.<br/>
He’s worried that Hongjoong will find out about Yunho’s own feelings towards him. He’s worried about ruining everything. Be it between him and Mingi, him and Hongjoong or even between Mingi and Hongjoong. And he knows that if they learned about it (he refuses to say ‘when’), it would change the dynamics of the entire group. There’s no way the other would be able to just go on as normal if they knew that two of their members were in love with their leader. Their leader who was taken, might he add. </p><p>He can just see the disappointment on Seonghwa’s face as he learns his beloved dongsaengs are in love with his precious boyfriend. He’s terrified of the disappointment on his face. The disappointment on Hongjoong’s face as he tries hard to hide it, to convince him he’s not disgusted with the fact that Yunho, the friend he’s been with the longest, is pining for him.</p><p>It’s becoming scarier and scarier. Now that he doesn’t have Mingi, his best friend, to talk to, heaving out those cursed little bluebells feels like a special kind of hell. Especially when he starts to notice that they began coming out with a slick pinkish tint to them.<br/>
When he realizes the implications of that sight, his stomach turns and he almost doesn’t make it to the bathroom, and the worried gaze Seonghwa gives him as he comes out, making excuses about dancing and overheating with a full stomach, makes his chest burn so badly he stumbles right back to cough up a bunch of those stupid blue flowers that he then angrily flushes down the toilet.<br/>
He looked them up. He’s not an expert but he knows that they’re some sort of a bellflower, and according to his search, bellflowers symbolize gratitude. He bitterly thinks that he sure is not grateful to be slowly coughing his lungs up.</p><p>He’s going to die. Mingi is going to die and he’ll follow soon after. And then everyone will find out. The public, their friends, his parents. He’s going to ruin everything for Ateez. They’re going to ruin everything. He realizes he needs to talk to Mingi. They need to try to fix this before it’s too late. He hopes it’s not too late. </p><p>He rushes down the hall to Mingi’s room, ignoring the stunned Seonghwa still standing in front of the bathroom, knocking on the door to Mingi’s room urgently only to receive no indication that Mingi even heard him. He knocks some more before he just decides fuck it and tries the door handle. It gives and then he’s staring into Mingi’s room. Mingi’s empty room. He slowly turns to Seonghwa, who’s standing nearby, watching him with a strange gleam in his eyes. “Hyung, where’s Mingi?” he asks carefully, picking at the skin around his nails.</p><p>Seonghwa sighs and unsticks his back from the wall, heading past Yunho towards the kitchen. “He left with the manager some time ago, I’m not sure why though.” He pauses, turns his head towards Yunho and looks him up and down “Would you perhaps have an idea why?” </p><p>Yunho’s throat suddenly feels very dry. “No,” he croaks out, eyes staring wide at the wall in front of him as Seonghwa leaves him standing there. And Mingi’s phone goes straight to voicemail when he tries calling him.</p><p> </p><p>The reason why Mingi was gone is cleared up the next morning, when the manager walks into the dance practice with Mingi in tow, explaining how Mingi has decided to leave the group for an indefinite amount of time, starting today. They all gape at them, an onslaught of questions suddenly firing at the manager and Mingi who just stands there, shoulders slumped, hands clasped in front of him, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Yunho doesn’t even get a chance to ask Mingi to explain as Mingi leaves with the manager and when they end dance practice and go back to the dorm (early, because none of them could even pretend to try and focus after what had just transpired), all of Mingi’s stuff is gone from his room and they’re all left to wander around the dorm aimlessly.<br/>
Yunho can’t avoid being grilled by his hyungs and then the rest of the members for too long. As soon as they all get over the initial shock, Seonghwa and Hongjoong are sitting him down on the couch and Yunho can’t even register half of what they’re asking and all that he can do is sob as he repeatedly lies and tells them he has no idea what happened, that he and Mingi just had an argument over something stupid but that Mingi left before he could even apologize.</p><p>He can see it in his member’s eyes. They’re all blaming him, telling themselves that if Yunho and Mingi hadn’t gotten into an argument, Mingi would still be there with them. And Yunho can’t help but blame himself.</p><p>When the evening finally comes and they all retire to their rooms, when Yunho is getting ready for a shower, the reality finally hits him and he’s keeling over a splash of torn up flowers and bright fresh blood covering the side of the toilet and the floor and Yunho is sobbing, tearing at his hair, filled with dread at the knowledge that he’s going to die.</p><p>It’s that experience that finally leads him to their manager, asking him to book him a session with a therapist specializing in hanahaki. Luckily his manager doesn’t ask any more and doesn’t let any of the others know about the true place where Yunho is going every couple days a week. When his members ask, Yunho lies and says he’s helping out one of his uncles after a serious leg injury and that earns him some sympathetic pats from Seonghwa which makes Yunho’s guts twist uncomfortably. </p><p>The weeks all seem to blend together as he mindlessly goes from a dance practice to therapy, trying to avoid too many interactions with either of his hyungs as not to make the hanahaki flair up even worse. With time, he finds that breathing gets easier and he can no longer spot any blood on his pillow when he wakes up. And with that, his mood also goes up. He goes back to being the group’s affectionate puppy, even though it’s not the same now that everyone is feeling the weight of Mingi’s departure, but at least he’s not constantly plagued by depressive thoughts of dying. What he is scared of though, is Mingi. Not exactly Mingi himself, but the fact that he has no idea how Mingi is doing or if he’s even alive at all. The manager doesn’t say anything, just smiles sadly when any of the members dares to ask about it. </p><p>He doesn’t know what it means. Mingi’s phone still goes to voicemail every time any of the members try to call him but there’s nothing on the news either. Sometimes, Yunho has to chase away the dark thoughts of everyone trying to cover up the possible fact of Mingi already being dead.</p><p>The weeks turn into months and they still haven’t heard a word from Mingi. Yunho’s disease has gone away together with the romantic feelings for his hyung and the group slowly started recovering, even if the lack of Mingi still weighted heavily on all of them.</p><p> </p><p>Until one day, when the manager walks in with a big smile on his face, not only their order of chicken but also a timid Mingi in his tow. The rest of the members take their turns embracing Mingi like he’s the most precious thing in the Universe as Yunho sits still, teeth clenched, his questioning gaze meeting Mingi’s own uncertain eyes. He offers up a small smile and is glad to get one in return.<br/>
It’s freaky how fast everything goes back to normal. They all pile up with their takeaway boxes on the floor, like Mingi never left, Mingi sheepishly sits down next to Yunho, neither of them saying anything to the other but exchanging some shy smiles from time to time.</p><p>And if their knees happen to knock into each other as they shuffle to make space for Hongjoong, they don’t talk about it.</p>
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